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December 29, 2012

It's not like in the movies

At what stage is it in life where we realise that real life is not like in the movies?  Is it when we have our first heartbreak and realise that love isn't always perfect? Or perhaps it's when we find ourselves 40 years old and single, having not met the perfect Mr Right (another movie creation!)  I do not mean to sound like a pessimist I just wonder so often when we will stop believing the bullshit and consumerist ideals portrayed so strongly through all forms of media and our dominant social mores.

This year our Christmas wasn't perfect, in fact this being our second Christmas without our babies was even harder than the first.  Our little man would have been 11 months old, and if our second pregnancy had continued our little girl would have been 3 months old.  It was just us on Christmas, no family.  We don't have the fancy house, perfect jobs or the dream marriage or children.  We are plugging along everyday, fighting our way through the autumn season of our marriage.  Trying to strengthen, trying to be patient with each other, and trying to heal.   See life isn't like the movies.  We dearly would love to adopt a child but in Australia the regulations for overseas adoption are really complicated, it doesn't just involve money it incorporates political and legal guidelines that are very strict.  I read some blogs sometimes, all portraying a perfect life, i.e. "The Smith Family"- married as childhood sweethearts, four healthy children, big house with white picket fence and I wonder do these people really exist?  Do some people actually live the happy ever after? Maybe the do.  I guess I learnt a long time ago that it only matters what I do not what others do, but in our current endemic of depression and suicide in the western and new western world I wish we could all learn that life is not a movie.  We only get one go.  In a few weeks I will get some test results from a growth found in my bowel during recent surgery.  We can only take each challenge as it comes.  Here's to a brave new year in 2013.

Our hearts ache for a family, but you know what we already have one.  We did create 2 beautiful babies but sadly they just left us too soon.  We still have each other and our wonderful fur kid of 12 years who gives us so much comfort and love.

This is our fur kid Buzz at Christmas 2012!.


November 01, 2012

There is a God!

Having an very happy day today! I am so completely overwhelmed by the generosity of people for my dear Cousin J.  SAFM radio in Adelaide SA had my amazing cousin and her family on air today to organise a super birthday bash for her 40th birthday.  You see it isn't actually her 40th birthday but rather her 39th.  She has terminal cancer and is the bravest person I know.  She wants to have a massive 40th birthday early as she doesn't really know if she will make it to the actual 40th.  You are not human if this doesn't break your heart,  with a loving husband and 2 small gorgeous children that she may leave behind on earth how can it not?  In the middle of this though has been God.  Her and her family and friends have had amazing faith and trust in God and this great Birthday event is only part of the earthly riches that will bless this family.  There is a God, no doubt in my mind.  The more pain we endure, the greater proof to me that a higher power does exist.  He wants to grow us and nurture us into the person he had planned all along, and no matter how much we want to fight that at some stage you have to throw down your shield, and say rescue me.  To my cousin and her beautiful family may this event just enrich your lives and provide a forever lasting memory.

Big thank you to SAFM for the support!
You can listen to the first part of the story by clicking below



http://www.safm.com.au/shows/hayleyandangus/blogs/blog/hayley-angus-to-the-resuce/


And for the second part:


http://www.safm.com.au/shows/hayleyandangus/podcast-haley-angus/




October 14, 2012

Positively Broken

I'm not really sure where to start on this post.  I ceased the October photography challenge as I became completely overwhelmed by the negativity towards those who had not lost a child.  Sometimes I think it is dangerous for us to try to be amateur psychologists.  Even though the support of the online community for people who have lost a baby or child is amazing I feel sometimes the sad focus can hinder your own healing and recovery.  Right now on October the 15th - International day for pregnancy and infant loss - I cannot help but feel broken.  Broken is the only way to describe the pain in this continual grieving process.  I know my husband is broken too and he wont say.  We are not who we use to be as a couple and no one except those who have been through it will understand.  My husband has always tried to make everything right, to fix everything for everyone.  Right now I just want him to fix himself :-(.  We stood on the beach at Mullaloo, Western Australia yesterday afternoon  like two weak wounded birds and placed some dry flowers on the beach to be washed away in the wild waves.   I am very homesick, miss my family and friends.  I pray everyday this dark cloud will move on from our lives as I know we have been truly blessed, but we just have to remind ourselves of that from time to time and keep positive.


October 15th: Wave of Light


October 05, 2012

Day 6: What not to say


Day 6: Things not to say.
I like so many here have heard the most insensitive and awful comments, even from those closest to me. Sometimes there seems to be a big disconnect between what is in peoples hearts and the words that come out their mouths. People often feel very uncomfortable with grief, reminding them of their own mortality. I use to feel the urge to stand up to peoples shocking comments, but I don't anymore. I don't want anyone to feel sad or upset at words I may say to them. I want to make my babies proud and develop a forgiving and loving soul. I truly believe that "when we know better we do better" and the is the quote on my photo for today. The beautiful lily in the photo was sent to me by a friend after the loss of our first baby. She was a shining light in a sea of unthoughtful comments that gave me hope that people really do the best the can.



October 03, 2012

Day 3: After loss self portrait

This is a hard day.  Reading and seeing so many of the other beautiful photos on the FB page for this October project has been overwhelming.  I thought I was much further on in the grieving process, or maybe this is a kind of grief where there is no getting over, its just getting on.

This photo isn't a self portrait as I'm tired of looking at my own image.  This is Buzz, my 12 yr old faithful border collie who has been by my side through both of our losses.  After we lost our first pregnancy, our baby boy Olly at 16 weeks we were devastated.  I didn't know you weren't safe after 12 weeks and I certainly didn't know after you have seen a scan of your babies face, arms, legs etc that it is called a miscarriage in our state up to 20 weeks.  The innocence disappeared.  Buzz meant so much to me as having no children he is all I have, he listened, he snuggled and always knew when I needed help.  He never judged me.  By this photo I think he grieved with me, the sadness in his face makes me sad too.  I am so glad we rescued him from the RSPCA and despite his violent beginning to life he has been a real blessing for us.


October 01, 2012

Day 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

I love this picture so much.  I look so very happy, and I was.  In this photo I was a little over 6 weeks pregnant with what was to be our Rainbow baby after losing our Son 5 months prior.  We were overjoyed.  My husband was all loving and protective again and I felt like a woman and successful wife instead of a failure.  I know I will treasure this photo for the rest of my life.  I actually took the photo as I wanted to make sure I documented everything in this pregnancy just in case.  Only a few hours before this photo was taken my body started showing signs that this pregnancy would not continue.  Sadly only 6 weeks later her little heart stopped beating and we lost our second angel :-(


Day one: Sunrise

The photo below was taken in our small country home town.  We actually live and work in a private town which is owned and operated by Benedictine Monks.  It is an interesting place!


Pregnancy & infant loss awareness month

It's hard the believe its October again already!  I cant believe it is over a year ago since we lost Olly and nearly 8 months since we lost Opal.  Life certainly does move fast.  I feel like I have been left standing still, motionless as time and everyone has moved on without me.  I know I am changed forever but I can't help feeling like I am stuck, moving forward represents way too much fear and looking back just breaks my heart.

I am going to take part in Carly Marie's Project Heal October photography project and post on my blog daily.  I'm not a daily kind of blogger as I can only write as when my heart compels me to do so.

Here is the link to the project which I'd encourage you to undertake no matter what stage of the grieving process you are at.  Some of the days listed I am dreading! It can be hard to face what you don't want to.





September 18, 2012

We were supposed to say hello today

Today, September 18th 2012 was supposed to be your day.  It was the day you, our second baby our little Opal was due to be born into this world.  Instead you left us early and today feels very empty.  I know this is all going to get easier but just not today.  I didn't get a chance to dwell too much on your brother Olly's due date the 25th of January as I was 6 weeks pregnant with you.  I was so focused on doing everything right so we could keep the precious gift that you were.  I still beat myself up everyday that I could have done more, but recent in depth tests have indicated that we had health factors that influenced your little life that were out of our control at the time.  I don't know if the feeling of guilt of loosing two babies will ever go away.  No matter how positive I try to be I feel like a mammoth failure to you and to your dad.  Isn't it my job as a wife to produce healthy children??   After all this I don't know if I am brave enough to ever try again.  I feel so sad that today isn't one of the happiest days of our lives as we should have been holding your little self in our arms right now.  Life is cruel sometimes.   We are thinking of you so much today.

Below is the bear we donated in memory of you and Olly, I gave this as a present to your dad on Fathers Day so other families may have the support that we sadly never had xox. Tammie





September 15, 2012

October 15th Ceremony, WA

Just in case you come across this blog before October the 15th, please click on the following link to find out about the wonderful ceremony for October the 15th to be held in Western Australia.  The prayer flags are such a fab idea and I really enjoyed making mine even though they are simple and bit rushed they reflect who we are (Colourful and funky, not simple and rushed! :-) ).  Enjoy making your own prayer flags but remember they have to arrive before October the 1st 2012 to be included. Click on the link below for more information

                 October 15th Beach Prayer Flag Project


Our prayer flags below:




September 09, 2012

Blessed empathy

No matter what we go through in life it truly can be a gift to develop real empathy.  After our losses I have done a huge amount of soul searching and self analysis.  Through my social work training I always could display empathy and always felt very deeply for other people and animals. It is not until you experience real loss and extreme sadness that you can begin to empathise with people on a new and different level.  As fate would have it on the return flight home after being in my home town for the past week for a funeral of a dear old Auntie I was seated next to a lady flying to Ireland to see her first grandchild.  She was a lovely warm lady with a country background such as myself and we just clicked.  I felt a moment of real connection when she shared that the last time she flew to Ireland was 2 years ago when her Sons first child, and her first born grandchild died at birth.  My heart sank first and I thought oh my goodness how can I hold back the tears, but I did and I was able to say how sorry I was for them.  Having been lucky enough to have read many stories through the baby loss community I had the right words to say.  I didn't talk about my own losses as I didn't feel it was the right place but I certainly could relate deeply to her families heartache and their struggle to conceive their rainbow baby.

I had returned to my home state to attend the funeral of my Beautiful Auntie Edith who was 94 years old.  She was such a lady and a person who I have really admired for her strength and courage.  She lost her husband 30 years ago, as well as laying to rest over the past 20 or so years her brother (My Grandpa) and her 3 sisters. She has also buried 2 of her adult daughters through breast cancer and a sudden brain hemorrhage and lost a Son in law through suicide.  What has stood out to me besides her amazing cooking! was her true kindness and generosity of spirit.  Despite the many many tragedies in her life which gave her every reason to be angry and bitter she never ever was.  Sometimes she may have been a bit sad but she would pick herself up, pull back her shoulders and get on with life with the great poise and dignity .  She is a hero to me and I have drawn on her life experience to give me courage with our grieving process over the past year or so.  I haven't had grandparents since I was 12 years old so this dear old Auntie was all we had left.  I didn't feel sad at her funeral, just happy that she lived an amazing life and died peacefully in her sleep after a short illness.  I hope one day I can be everything she was.  As I placed a flower on her lowered coffin I said thank you.  Thank you Auntie Edith for showing me what it is like to have real blessed empathy.  Here's some roses for you, your favourite thing xox




August 24, 2012

Count your Blessings

Moving away from family and friends to another state is always hard.  The unpacking, settling into a new job, learning small community dynamics are all a challenge but the hardest thing is not being home when you need to be.   Its been a hard week here in our new town hearing news from back home that hasn't been the happiest news.  My dear old dad is having surgery right now as we speak, a favourite uncle is riddled with blood cancer and battling everyday, my amazing 95 year old auntie has just had a stroke whilst still living on her own, and my beautiful cousin aged 38 is battling for her life after her ovarian cancer returning after a brief period of remission.  I feel so happy for her that she has had this remission to spend time holidaying with her husband and two small gorgeous children.  Every part of me wants to book a flight home.   It makes you feel regret and sometimes question why on earth you moved at all.   All I know is today I count my blessings. I will be heading to our town church this weekend to light a candle for everyone I know who needs many prayers right now.


August 06, 2012

Our senses & Anniversary

I haven't blogged for a while now, we've been in the middle of a move interstate to live and work and we are both exhausted.  Added onto that we have our 4th episode of the flu in 6 months and for a couple who never get sick this has been frustrating!  Anyhow I normally have very finely tuned hearing, smell, sight etc sometimes too finely tuned and I can hear, smell and see everything.  Over the past two weeks I have had an ear infection which has brought some welcomed silence into my normally noisy world.  Losing some of my hearing has been a quiet blessing for my senses which are usually on overload.  It has strangely helped still my mind in the middle of a few months of moving chaos.  

Yesterday was the first anniversary of our Son Olly's birth, born sleeping into this world on August 5th 2011, and I forgot.  I know that sounds terrible but both my husband and I had not particularly marked the date to remember.  We have tried hard to celebrate our lost babies special days but we got distracted.  At first I felt so very guilty but then I reflected on my day yesterday.  I had a really odd feeling yesterday that I had forgotten something, I was feeling a little emotional and I even looked at Olly's scan where you can see his little face and features.  Looking at his scan is something I rarely do as it just breaks my heart.  On reflection I felt like he was tapping on my shoulder all day saying "hey mum, I'm okay but don't forget me" :-(.  We will never forget you Olly and we know you and Opal are always with us.  It has been a long year my little Olly and our world has done a complete turnaround.  We will always be so grateful for the impact you have had on our lives.

Tammie xox



June 21, 2012

Buzz & Me


Something happened yesterday which made me reflect on my relationship with Buzz.  Buzz is my 12 year old Border Collie who we rescued over 10 years ago.  When I first met my husband and moved interstate to live with him after only knowing him a few months I demanded that having my own dog was part of the package.  I never imagined we would find Buzz.  The poor fella was only 12 months old and had already had a really hard life.  Being a working dog he had lots of energy and he caused much chaos for his family at the time.  Buzz had been beaten badly by his owner, run over by a motorbike and had his throat cut from being kept on a chain.  He was advertised through the local paper by the RSPCA and despite the problems they told me about I wanted this dog badly.  Something in my heart knew he was the dog for me and my new partner (now my husband!).  When my husband and I went to collect him we thought he looked like a wild dog with his long coat completely unkempt, and my husband gave me that look of "Are you sure?".  Buzz was named by his first owners after Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story and it does suit him.  Even though he is now 12 years old he will still take off running after anything and it feels like it will be infinity and beyond before he comes back!.  On a serious note my relationship with our special fur kid Buzz has been tested over the past year.  He looked after me and sat by my side when I had all day & night morning sickness with both of our pregnancies.  When I came home from the hospital both times after loosing our babies he sat with his head on my lap and looked at me and snuggled in.   I think of the book Marley & Me which I read many years before the Movie and recall when he talks about Marley the dog comforting his wife after the loss of a baby.  Dogs do know and if we think they don't then we are wrong.

Anyway back to what happened yesterday.  I was doing some back stretches lying flat on my back on the floor and Buzz was beside me sneaking in for a snuggle, a play and a lick on the face.  Whilst I had my legs in the air stretching he laid down beside me and did the same.  We call it "being cute" in our house as he does this thing where he lies on his back with his legs in the air and wriggles around.  We always make a fuss when he does it because its just so damn cute.  It occurred to me at that moment that Buzz & Me had found our closeness again.  Something I have been feeling quite bad about is during the grieving process especially after we lost our first baby Olly I pushed Buzz away.  I think this was because Buzz has obviously become like a child for us and the connection was just too close, I couldn't show him the love and affection I should have.  I continued to feed him, and do all those everyday care tasks but I stopped connecting with him.  It makes me so very sad that I pushed Buzz away but I know he understands.  You may think a post about my relationship with my dog is silly but for those who know the importance of the role that animals play in our lives will be able to relate.  It also highlights that in grief we sometimes do things that we wouldn't normally do, like ignore people, cut ourselves off socially and sometimes have the darkest thoughts.  

I love you Buzz, thanks for being this girls best friend.

Tammie J








June 17, 2012

Outback Heart

Quite simply the pictures below show why a piece of my heart belongs to the Australian Outback.  Well a big piece of it actually.  I love the freedom, the laid back way of life, having no mobile phone range and feeling as if time has forgotten you.  Having lived in the Outback for many years I always long to go back.  This weekend we had the best weekend ever!  Driving for a 14 hour return trip to visit some wonderful old friends in a really remote town we use to live in.  As you drive out there you feel like you are returning home.  We feel so blessed to have many places that we call home and many great people we have met on our adventures.  It was a bit sad to leave there this morning but we left with our hearts full. We released a flower for our Opal in the same spot we did for our first lost baby nearly 10 months ago now.  We felt great peace and joy that both our babies were together spiritually in the place we chose to be an Outback memorial to them.  Even though we are moving thousands of kilometres away from them soon I know a piece of my heart will always be there and I cant wait to return.  

Tammie J    
    
   
   
   






June 08, 2012

It's Time

This morning I got such an unexpected call from my Doctors office.  I had scheduled to go in for my flu vaccine this morning but as my GP had the flu she asked the receptionist to ring anyone who was pregnant or with young children so she wouldn't expose them.  The beautiful receptionist asked me if I still wanted to have it done seeing I was pregnant, wow did my heart sink.  It was one of the first times I had to say out loud I'm not pregnant anymore :-(  I felt so blessed to have her sweet voice on the other end, say I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.  These 3 little words I haven't heard a lot since we lost our babies, most people say nothing at all.  It turn out that the receptionist had herself lost her first 2 babies and then went onto have a successfully trouble free third pregnancy.  This kind of made me sad but also gave me that little kick of hope that you sometimes get in your day.  My Doctor also apologised when I went in for my flu shot and I bravely said "its okay, I will have to answer those questions for the rest of my life its just the reality of pregnancy loss".  Just yesterday I sat down and wrote a letter to my daughter Opal, just as I did for her brother Olly.  It has been over 3 months since we lost her and only now have I felt the strength to begin grieving.  Miss you baby girl.  This is your letter xox.


Tammie J


To my Darling girl

It has been just a little over 3 months since you peacefully slipped away and left this world.  We were so excited to find out you were conceived the day after Christmas 2011 and we were so happy to pregnant again after we lost your big brother Olly.   I felt such joy to know you were going to be a part of our lives.

At 6 weeks of pregnancy we had a few little problems but you were still strong and your little heart was beating and that was all the mattered.  We went on a family holiday in January and of course you were there with us, such a special time.

We had to go for a check up around 12 weeks to see how your little life was going.  Walking into the same Doctors office where we were told, “I’m sorry there was no heartbeat” for Olly your dad and I were very anxious.  As they did the scan my head starting spinning when they couldn’t find your heartbeat.  The Dr just wasn’t sure so he sent us off for a more detailed ultrasound at another clinic.  What we had expected or at least hoped would be a happy day turned out to be a whirlwind day of crazy emotions.  Waiting at the ultrasound place with lots of happy pregnant people around us was so hard.  The lady who did your scan was so kind and respectful.  The moment we saw you on that scan I just wanted to hold every memory of seeing your tiny body before we heard the news.  I’m sorry the lady said, “there is no heartbeat”.  We just didn’t know what to do.  The lady left the room and I said to your dad, "did you see her, did you see our little one?".  So still, so peaceful , but in pure form.  So hard to believe you too had left us early.  Mummy had the surgery for you to be born 4 days later and I loved that for a few days you were still in my tummy sleeping peacefully   You were born in the same hospital Olly was.

I’m sorry Opal it has taken me a while to write this letter.  I wrote one for your brother too but loosing you both so close together has been so very difficult.  I didn’t know what to say to you.  I never expected you would leave us, I was so positive, felt so positive and like it was all meant to be.  My dearest hope and consolation for you not being here with us is that you are in heaven running and playing with Olly.  Growing together as a sister and brother without having to endure this world.

I will never forget you and the way you made me feel.  Your dad was so very sad to see you go and I know it has impacted on him in a very deep way.  I see you and Olly in everything.  Each beautiful flower that blooms and each bird that flies by.   Thank you my angel for choosing me as you mum.

Love you
Your Mummy
Tammie

June 01, 2012

On the road again

On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again ....... These words and the sound of Willie Nelson singing them are ringing in my ears at the moment.  My Husband & I and our faithful dog Buzz are on the road again.  I'm madly trying to complete some study I'm doing as well as pack up our house once again.  Last time we were packing up our house I was pregnant with Olly.  We have lived in 12 houses in the 11 years we have been together, lived in 4 different states and travelled many thousands of kilometres together.  We love travel and seeing the amazing country side of Australia but this time it all feels different.  We feel like this is a fresh beginning for us.  Going to somewhere where  not everyone looks at us in pity and says things like "we feel sorry for you" after the loss of our two babies.  We still don't know if we will ever be able to have children and are still waiting for the results of more of those tests to try and find out if there was a medical problem or if statistically we just had really bad luck.  Before we leave our current state we will be making the pilgrimage to the Outback remote mining town where we use to live, to lay some dried flowers in Opal Creek.  We are doing this for our daughter Opal so she can spiritually be with her brother, as we floated a dried flower for him also nearly 9 months ago now.  I picture them both running through the eery but beautiful landscape of outback Australia skipping and having so much fun (picture below).

We are very excited about moving across Australia again and cant wait to return to one of our favourite states.  We will be living in a lovely rural and peaceful setting.  Most of all after all the busyness of the move we are looking forward to spending time reflecting and healing as husband and wife.  Oh and buzz of course is really looking forward to chasing some of those country birds out the gum trees!


Tammie J

  

May 25, 2012

Right Where I Am 2012 - 8 months, 15 days & 2 months 28 days

This is my first time writing on "Right Where I am" and I am very grateful for the opportunity of reflection.  I know I have come such a long way since we lost our first baby 8 months ago.  What I am not so sure of is how far I have come since we lost our second baby nearly 3 months ago.  I am actually at a stage where I am feeling guilty for not grieving as 'hard' for my baby Opal.  My love for her was just as great as that of my son Olly but I don't know if it has hit me as hard.  Maybe I wasn't ready for another loss so soon, or maybe our first loss prepared me mentally for a second loss.  It has been overwhelming but right now I feel happy and blessed.

Through the grieving process I feel I have now reached a place where I can smile again, and laugh and not feel guilty for not thinking of my children every moment of the day.  Through their short time in this world I have been blessed with a very new appreciation for understanding ourselves in the darkest moments of our lives.  I see my children in everything now.  From the butterflies that wont leave me alone when I'm out in the garden to the special little signs that I feel are shown to me in the moments when I most need it.   There are still the most awful moments when I cry and sob uncontrollably but they are getting less.  There is a great quote by Elizabeth Edwards and part of that quote is "She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails", and that is exactly how I feel right now.  I don't feel perfect, I don't feel completely healed but I have adjusted and for now that is a happy place for me to be.


Tammie J


The photos below aren't the best quality or angle but they are important to me.  The one where I am smiling is when I was pregnant with Opal at 7 weeks, and the other is when we lost her at 12 weeks.  I wanted with my second pregnancy to take lots of photos to allow reflection should the need arise and sadly it did.





                  
              Image source: quotesayings. com
Image source unknown.
  








May 20, 2012

A husband's love

Today we had a bad day.  Just when you think some of the pain and heartache has gone after loosing 2 babies it comes to the surface when you really don't expect it.  Today I found out my husband had been keeping a secret from me for the past few months.  One of his senior colleagues at work had a baby not long after our first son was to be born.  I had often asked about her but he was vagued and would move onto another subject.  I felt crushed and abandoned today that he had kept a secret from me, and because I really detest lying.   My anger got pretty bad and I cried and cried just as hard as I did when I was grieving our babies losses.  I felt like I died inside when we lost our pregnancies and today I revisited that place.  I wasn't prepared for the pain to resurface and I wasn't prepared to deal with the emotions.

It has been 9 months since we lost our son Olly and nearly 3 months since we lost Opal our little girl.  I think though what we forget as women is how hard this can be on our partners.  I know its our bodies that go through the physical pain and the emotional pain is quite simply horrendous, but our partners too need to grieve and especially men often feel an overwhelming need to protect us.  After a phone conversation with my husband that was full of tears he told his side of the story.  I know that he didn't tell me about the situation so he could protect me. What I didn't know is the pain he had to face everyday when he went into work having to watch his colleague carry a health pregnancy with a baby that was due only a few days after our was.  He went through that emotional pain and carried that burden for me.  No matter whether his decision was right or wrong, he did it for me and that truly is a husbands love.  Thank you babe.

The good news for today is that us Gypsy's are on the move again but Ill save that for another entry soon!

Tammie J
The man in question? Posing in front of a super yacht, Auckland - New Zealand

May 03, 2012

Spiderwebs

Can a spiderweb in the fresh Autumn morning dew be anymore beautiful?   It's such a blessing that through devastating events in our lives that we can learn to appreciate the smaller things.  I remember flying back home to the Outback town of Roxby Downs, South Australia after we lost our son Olly.  The landscape felt so enriched and so much more colourful than I had remembered.  I have no doubt that nature plays a very special part in the healing process.  At this present time my husband and I are contemplating yet another challenge in our gypsy lifestyle.  Therefore I am appreciating every still moment I have prior to what may be another time of the mad packing of a house, relocation, long distance Skype chats, and general mayhem!  I am far from complaining as I live for those crazy moments where you make the decision to take a chance, to step out and weave the complexity that is the web of life.

Tammie J







April 18, 2012

Letter to my Son

Today is my first post.  I have wanted to start a blog for a while to share all the crazy Gypsy adventures my husband and I have had over the past 12 years.  As like all things in this busy world we do not always do what we set out to do.  Over the past year I have been pregnant for nearly 7 months.  I know that sounds like a weird statement but you see my beautiful husband and I have lost 2 pregnancies in the last year.  Below is my letter to my Son Olly who we lost at 16 weeks, he was our first pregnancy.  It is at this point I start this Blog.  This letter is very personal and very raw but its honest and that is all the matters to me.
 Tammie J

To my Son Olly,
I never knew how much I wanted you until I saw your little heart beating on our first scan at 9 weeks.   What a beautiful gift to have seen that.  We were even more excited to see your little face and beating heart at our 12 week scan.  Your daddy was there too and I was so very happy that he could see you as well.  It was one of the proudest moments of my life.  Little did we know that just 4 weeks later we would not see your little heart beating on a scan at 16 weeks.

It has only been a few months and I really just cannot describe how I really feel.  Every day I want you back and I ask God why us and why did he have to take you so early.  That moment our doctor told us there was no heartbeat I think the world stopped for your Dad & I.  I am sure it was a moment we both hold very close to our hearts and we will never ever forget.

Saying goodbye to you has been very hard as when I had the operation for you to be born the hospital took you away.  We never got to see you, or hold you and for that I am so very sorry.  I know the Doctor would have taken good care of you.   It is very hard to say goodbye when you have never meet someone but you need to know so much that you were a part of us as a family.

You were born in Adelaide, SA at Burnside hospital on Friday the 5th of August 2011 at about 1.30pm.  Your dad & I were living in Roxby Downs at the time and had made the decision to move to Adelaide so you could be born in January 2012.  It was all a very rushed and confusing time for us both but we made the best decisions we could.  Mummy was very sick when you were in her tummy and I knew in the later weeks things didn’t feel quite right.  I cried so many tears from the results we got at 12 weeks which hinted your little life wasn’t quite right.  I was devastated and no one else except a mum will know how I felt.

As our official good bye in Roxby Downs we took a yellow gerbera flower we had dried and placed it in Opal creek, which was near Andamooka.  We did this as a symbol of setting you free in a peaceful and beautifully serene outback setting.  We didn’t say many words to say goodbye to you, but we, your mum and dad just held each other and watched the beautiful flower blow gently with the breeze across the outback water of Opal Creek.  You see your mum and dad are outback people.  We have struggled for years to find our home; we know it’s not the city but sometimes its hard living in the Outback.  Our lives are still a little confused right now and we are both hanging on.

Just want you to know we love you and think of your everyday.
I miss you xox

Fly free my little man and have a beautiful life, we look forward to meeting you in the years to come.

Lots of love your mummy Tam, Daddy Ash and Buzz the Border collie

written 14th November 2011


Opal Creek, Outback Australia