April 18, 2012

Letter to my Son

Today is my first post.  I have wanted to start a blog for a while to share all the crazy Gypsy adventures my husband and I have had over the past 12 years.  As like all things in this busy world we do not always do what we set out to do.  Over the past year I have been pregnant for nearly 7 months.  I know that sounds like a weird statement but you see my beautiful husband and I have lost 2 pregnancies in the last year.  Below is my letter to my Son Olly who we lost at 16 weeks, he was our first pregnancy.  It is at this point I start this Blog.  This letter is very personal and very raw but its honest and that is all the matters to me.
 Tammie J

To my Son Olly,
I never knew how much I wanted you until I saw your little heart beating on our first scan at 9 weeks.   What a beautiful gift to have seen that.  We were even more excited to see your little face and beating heart at our 12 week scan.  Your daddy was there too and I was so very happy that he could see you as well.  It was one of the proudest moments of my life.  Little did we know that just 4 weeks later we would not see your little heart beating on a scan at 16 weeks.

It has only been a few months and I really just cannot describe how I really feel.  Every day I want you back and I ask God why us and why did he have to take you so early.  That moment our doctor told us there was no heartbeat I think the world stopped for your Dad & I.  I am sure it was a moment we both hold very close to our hearts and we will never ever forget.

Saying goodbye to you has been very hard as when I had the operation for you to be born the hospital took you away.  We never got to see you, or hold you and for that I am so very sorry.  I know the Doctor would have taken good care of you.   It is very hard to say goodbye when you have never meet someone but you need to know so much that you were a part of us as a family.

You were born in Adelaide, SA at Burnside hospital on Friday the 5th of August 2011 at about 1.30pm.  Your dad & I were living in Roxby Downs at the time and had made the decision to move to Adelaide so you could be born in January 2012.  It was all a very rushed and confusing time for us both but we made the best decisions we could.  Mummy was very sick when you were in her tummy and I knew in the later weeks things didn’t feel quite right.  I cried so many tears from the results we got at 12 weeks which hinted your little life wasn’t quite right.  I was devastated and no one else except a mum will know how I felt.

As our official good bye in Roxby Downs we took a yellow gerbera flower we had dried and placed it in Opal creek, which was near Andamooka.  We did this as a symbol of setting you free in a peaceful and beautifully serene outback setting.  We didn’t say many words to say goodbye to you, but we, your mum and dad just held each other and watched the beautiful flower blow gently with the breeze across the outback water of Opal Creek.  You see your mum and dad are outback people.  We have struggled for years to find our home; we know it’s not the city but sometimes its hard living in the Outback.  Our lives are still a little confused right now and we are both hanging on.

Just want you to know we love you and think of your everyday.
I miss you xox

Fly free my little man and have a beautiful life, we look forward to meeting you in the years to come.

Lots of love your mummy Tam, Daddy Ash and Buzz the Border collie

written 14th November 2011

Opal Creek, Outback Australia