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May 25, 2012

Right Where I Am 2012 - 8 months, 15 days & 2 months 28 days

This is my first time writing on "Right Where I am" and I am very grateful for the opportunity of reflection.  I know I have come such a long way since we lost our first baby 8 months ago.  What I am not so sure of is how far I have come since we lost our second baby nearly 3 months ago.  I am actually at a stage where I am feeling guilty for not grieving as 'hard' for my baby Opal.  My love for her was just as great as that of my son Olly but I don't know if it has hit me as hard.  Maybe I wasn't ready for another loss so soon, or maybe our first loss prepared me mentally for a second loss.  It has been overwhelming but right now I feel happy and blessed.

Through the grieving process I feel I have now reached a place where I can smile again, and laugh and not feel guilty for not thinking of my children every moment of the day.  Through their short time in this world I have been blessed with a very new appreciation for understanding ourselves in the darkest moments of our lives.  I see my children in everything now.  From the butterflies that wont leave me alone when I'm out in the garden to the special little signs that I feel are shown to me in the moments when I most need it.   There are still the most awful moments when I cry and sob uncontrollably but they are getting less.  There is a great quote by Elizabeth Edwards and part of that quote is "She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails", and that is exactly how I feel right now.  I don't feel perfect, I don't feel completely healed but I have adjusted and for now that is a happy place for me to be.


Tammie J


The photos below aren't the best quality or angle but they are important to me.  The one where I am smiling is when I was pregnant with Opal at 7 weeks, and the other is when we lost her at 12 weeks.  I wanted with my second pregnancy to take lots of photos to allow reflection should the need arise and sadly it did.





                  
              Image source: quotesayings. com
Image source unknown.
  








May 20, 2012

A husband's love

Today we had a bad day.  Just when you think some of the pain and heartache has gone after loosing 2 babies it comes to the surface when you really don't expect it.  Today I found out my husband had been keeping a secret from me for the past few months.  One of his senior colleagues at work had a baby not long after our first son was to be born.  I had often asked about her but he was vagued and would move onto another subject.  I felt crushed and abandoned today that he had kept a secret from me, and because I really detest lying.   My anger got pretty bad and I cried and cried just as hard as I did when I was grieving our babies losses.  I felt like I died inside when we lost our pregnancies and today I revisited that place.  I wasn't prepared for the pain to resurface and I wasn't prepared to deal with the emotions.

It has been 9 months since we lost our son Olly and nearly 3 months since we lost Opal our little girl.  I think though what we forget as women is how hard this can be on our partners.  I know its our bodies that go through the physical pain and the emotional pain is quite simply horrendous, but our partners too need to grieve and especially men often feel an overwhelming need to protect us.  After a phone conversation with my husband that was full of tears he told his side of the story.  I know that he didn't tell me about the situation so he could protect me. What I didn't know is the pain he had to face everyday when he went into work having to watch his colleague carry a health pregnancy with a baby that was due only a few days after our was.  He went through that emotional pain and carried that burden for me.  No matter whether his decision was right or wrong, he did it for me and that truly is a husbands love.  Thank you babe.

The good news for today is that us Gypsy's are on the move again but Ill save that for another entry soon!

Tammie J
The man in question? Posing in front of a super yacht, Auckland - New Zealand

May 03, 2012

Spiderwebs

Can a spiderweb in the fresh Autumn morning dew be anymore beautiful?   It's such a blessing that through devastating events in our lives that we can learn to appreciate the smaller things.  I remember flying back home to the Outback town of Roxby Downs, South Australia after we lost our son Olly.  The landscape felt so enriched and so much more colourful than I had remembered.  I have no doubt that nature plays a very special part in the healing process.  At this present time my husband and I are contemplating yet another challenge in our gypsy lifestyle.  Therefore I am appreciating every still moment I have prior to what may be another time of the mad packing of a house, relocation, long distance Skype chats, and general mayhem!  I am far from complaining as I live for those crazy moments where you make the decision to take a chance, to step out and weave the complexity that is the web of life.

Tammie J