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May 25, 2012

Right Where I Am 2012 - 8 months, 15 days & 2 months 28 days

This is my first time writing on "Right Where I am" and I am very grateful for the opportunity of reflection.  I know I have come such a long way since we lost our first baby 8 months ago.  What I am not so sure of is how far I have come since we lost our second baby nearly 3 months ago.  I am actually at a stage where I am feeling guilty for not grieving as 'hard' for my baby Opal.  My love for her was just as great as that of my son Olly but I don't know if it has hit me as hard.  Maybe I wasn't ready for another loss so soon, or maybe our first loss prepared me mentally for a second loss.  It has been overwhelming but right now I feel happy and blessed.

Through the grieving process I feel I have now reached a place where I can smile again, and laugh and not feel guilty for not thinking of my children every moment of the day.  Through their short time in this world I have been blessed with a very new appreciation for understanding ourselves in the darkest moments of our lives.  I see my children in everything now.  From the butterflies that wont leave me alone when I'm out in the garden to the special little signs that I feel are shown to me in the moments when I most need it.   There are still the most awful moments when I cry and sob uncontrollably but they are getting less.  There is a great quote by Elizabeth Edwards and part of that quote is "She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails", and that is exactly how I feel right now.  I don't feel perfect, I don't feel completely healed but I have adjusted and for now that is a happy place for me to be.


Tammie J


The photos below aren't the best quality or angle but they are important to me.  The one where I am smiling is when I was pregnant with Opal at 7 weeks, and the other is when we lost her at 12 weeks.  I wanted with my second pregnancy to take lots of photos to allow reflection should the need arise and sadly it did.





                  
              Image source: quotesayings. com
Image source unknown.
  








12 comments:

  1. Oh I'm so very sorry. So much loss in such a short space of time. You picked beautiful names for your babies (and Carly took lovely photos of them for you).
    Opal and Olly are missed.
    xo

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  2. What beautiful quotes and images. Those two photographs speak so eloquently, I'm so terribly sorry the loss of Olly and Opal. So terribly unfair and heartbreaking. I am not surprised that you feel overwhelmed at times.

    But I'm glad you feel them around you, in the butterflies and in those special signs x

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  3. So sorry for your loss of Opal and Olly

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  4. I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet babies, Opal and Olly. I love their names. I like how you addressed the idea of adjusting, of adapting, of continuing on even with a broken heart. Remembering your babies with you.

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  5. I am just so sorry for your losses. Those pictures capture something-- grief and love all mixed up? You are beautiful. I just suffered a miscarriage at twelve weeks, albeit years after my loss, and it is hard to have the guilt of not grieving enough. All I know from where I am is that moments without grief are moments to embrace, because that too will pass. At least for me. I just try to stay present and not worry about what grief will be like tomorrow or yesterday. But that is so very hard. Sending love and thank you for exploring where you are.

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  6. Opal and Olly are such beautiful names. Your pictures show the beauty of your love as a mother...nothing more amazing than that. I'm sorry for your losses, and I'm glad you shared this with us. Much love.

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  7. Beautiful, original names... Olly and Opal... I love them <3 I did a similar post once of a pic of me and my hubby before our losses and one after. It's sad to see grief change you but it becomes part of your life. Losses so close together are very hard. I actually didn't grieve my first loss (Riley) properly and after my second loss (Peyton) I actually grieved BOTH my babies at the same time. There is no RIGHT way to grieve. Even with a rainbow baby in my arms (sadly his twin is in Heaven with Riley and Peyton) I still grieve. I always will... but I have learned to coexist. Thank you for sharing. Praying that Olly and Opal send you peace daily.... <3

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  8. Oh, your poor ravaged, beautiful face. I just want to hug you.

    That is an amazing quote and your post is strong and honest and so fragile all at once. I remember where you are and am sending you love and strength.

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  9. You are beautiful, even wracked with grief. It has shocked me, how much I have changed - physically, since my little boy died. I have deep wrinkles on my forehead and dark shadows under my eyes. My hair is rough and coarse, and my body is a map of pregnancy and labour. I never considered the permanancy of physical changes, the constant reminder that I was, AM, a Mother. Thank you for sharing your story. Thinking of you, Opal and Olly (such beautiful names).

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  10. I am so sorry for the loss of Olly and Opal. And that quote really spoke to me. Adjusting is huge. It's really huge. I am still working at it at almost four years out, I think.

    So much love to you.

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  11. I am so sorry. Light and love to you.

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  12. That quote is immensely powerful - as are your photographs. They are full of love and loss and beauty of their own. I am soory that you are living without Olly and Opal - such lovely names.

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