This is my first time writing on "Right Where I am" and I am very grateful for the opportunity of reflection. I know I have come such a long way since we lost our first baby 8 months ago. What I am not so sure of is how far I have come since we lost our second baby nearly 3 months ago. I am actually at a stage where I am feeling guilty for not grieving as 'hard' for my baby Opal. My love for her was just as great as that of my son Olly but I don't know if it has hit me as hard. Maybe I wasn't ready for another loss so soon, or maybe our first loss prepared me mentally for a second loss. It has been overwhelming but right now I feel happy and blessed.
Through the grieving process I feel I have now reached a place where I can smile again, and laugh and not feel guilty for not thinking of my children every moment of the day. Through their short time in this world I have been blessed with a very new appreciation for understanding ourselves in the darkest moments of our lives. I see my children in everything now. From the butterflies that wont leave me alone when I'm out in the garden to the special little signs that I feel are shown to me in the moments when I most need it. There are still the most awful moments when I cry and sob uncontrollably but they are getting less. There is a great quote by Elizabeth Edwards and part of that quote is "She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails", and that is exactly how I feel right now. I don't feel perfect, I don't feel completely healed but I have adjusted and for now that is a happy place for me to be.
The photos below aren't the best quality or angle but they are important to me. The one where I am smiling is when I was pregnant with Opal at 7 weeks, and the other is when we lost her at 12 weeks. I wanted with my second pregnancy to take lots of photos to allow reflection should the need arise and sadly it did.
|Image source: quotesayings. com|
|Image source unknown.|