June 08, 2012

It's Time

This morning I got such an unexpected call from my Doctors office.  I had scheduled to go in for my flu vaccine this morning but as my GP had the flu she asked the receptionist to ring anyone who was pregnant or with young children so she wouldn't expose them.  The beautiful receptionist asked me if I still wanted to have it done seeing I was pregnant, wow did my heart sink.  It was one of the first times I had to say out loud I'm not pregnant anymore :-(  I felt so blessed to have her sweet voice on the other end, say I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.  These 3 little words I haven't heard a lot since we lost our babies, most people say nothing at all.  It turn out that the receptionist had herself lost her first 2 babies and then went onto have a successfully trouble free third pregnancy.  This kind of made me sad but also gave me that little kick of hope that you sometimes get in your day.  My Doctor also apologised when I went in for my flu shot and I bravely said "its okay, I will have to answer those questions for the rest of my life its just the reality of pregnancy loss".  Just yesterday I sat down and wrote a letter to my daughter Opal, just as I did for her brother Olly.  It has been over 3 months since we lost her and only now have I felt the strength to begin grieving.  Miss you baby girl.  This is your letter xox.

Tammie J

To my Darling girl

It has been just a little over 3 months since you peacefully slipped away and left this world.  We were so excited to find out you were conceived the day after Christmas 2011 and we were so happy to pregnant again after we lost your big brother Olly.   I felt such joy to know you were going to be a part of our lives.

At 6 weeks of pregnancy we had a few little problems but you were still strong and your little heart was beating and that was all the mattered.  We went on a family holiday in January and of course you were there with us, such a special time.

We had to go for a check up around 12 weeks to see how your little life was going.  Walking into the same Doctors office where we were told, “I’m sorry there was no heartbeat” for Olly your dad and I were very anxious.  As they did the scan my head starting spinning when they couldn’t find your heartbeat.  The Dr just wasn’t sure so he sent us off for a more detailed ultrasound at another clinic.  What we had expected or at least hoped would be a happy day turned out to be a whirlwind day of crazy emotions.  Waiting at the ultrasound place with lots of happy pregnant people around us was so hard.  The lady who did your scan was so kind and respectful.  The moment we saw you on that scan I just wanted to hold every memory of seeing your tiny body before we heard the news.  I’m sorry the lady said, “there is no heartbeat”.  We just didn’t know what to do.  The lady left the room and I said to your dad, "did you see her, did you see our little one?".  So still, so peaceful , but in pure form.  So hard to believe you too had left us early.  Mummy had the surgery for you to be born 4 days later and I loved that for a few days you were still in my tummy sleeping peacefully   You were born in the same hospital Olly was.

I’m sorry Opal it has taken me a while to write this letter.  I wrote one for your brother too but loosing you both so close together has been so very difficult.  I didn’t know what to say to you.  I never expected you would leave us, I was so positive, felt so positive and like it was all meant to be.  My dearest hope and consolation for you not being here with us is that you are in heaven running and playing with Olly.  Growing together as a sister and brother without having to endure this world.

I will never forget you and the way you made me feel.  Your dad was so very sad to see you go and I know it has impacted on him in a very deep way.  I see you and Olly in everything.  Each beautiful flower that blooms and each bird that flies by.   Thank you my angel for choosing me as you mum.

Love you
Your Mummy

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