September 18, 2012

We were supposed to say hello today

Today, September 18th 2012 was supposed to be your day.  It was the day you, our second baby our little Opal was due to be born into this world.  Instead you left us early and today feels very empty.  I know this is all going to get easier but just not today.  I didn't get a chance to dwell too much on your brother Olly's due date the 25th of January as I was 6 weeks pregnant with you.  I was so focused on doing everything right so we could keep the precious gift that you were.  I still beat myself up everyday that I could have done more, but recent in depth tests have indicated that we had health factors that influenced your little life that were out of our control at the time.  I don't know if the feeling of guilt of loosing two babies will ever go away.  No matter how positive I try to be I feel like a mammoth failure to you and to your dad.  Isn't it my job as a wife to produce healthy children??   After all this I don't know if I am brave enough to ever try again.  I feel so sad that today isn't one of the happiest days of our lives as we should have been holding your little self in our arms right now.  Life is cruel sometimes.   We are thinking of you so much today.

Below is the bear we donated in memory of you and Olly, I gave this as a present to your dad on Fathers Day so other families may have the support that we sadly never had xox. Tammie

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