October 14, 2012

Positively Broken

I'm not really sure where to start on this post.  I ceased the October photography challenge as I became completely overwhelmed by the negativity towards those who had not lost a child.  Sometimes I think it is dangerous for us to try to be amateur psychologists.  Even though the support of the online community for people who have lost a baby or child is amazing I feel sometimes the sad focus can hinder your own healing and recovery.  Right now on October the 15th - International day for pregnancy and infant loss - I cannot help but feel broken.  Broken is the only way to describe the pain in this continual grieving process.  I know my husband is broken too and he wont say.  We are not who we use to be as a couple and no one except those who have been through it will understand.  My husband has always tried to make everything right, to fix everything for everyone.  Right now I just want him to fix himself :-(.  We stood on the beach at Mullaloo, Western Australia yesterday afternoon  like two weak wounded birds and placed some dry flowers on the beach to be washed away in the wild waves.   I am very homesick, miss my family and friends.  I pray everyday this dark cloud will move on from our lives as I know we have been truly blessed, but we just have to remind ourselves of that from time to time and keep positive.

October 15th: Wave of Light

October 05, 2012

Day 6: What not to say

Day 6: Things not to say.
I like so many here have heard the most insensitive and awful comments, even from those closest to me. Sometimes there seems to be a big disconnect between what is in peoples hearts and the words that come out their mouths. People often feel very uncomfortable with grief, reminding them of their own mortality. I use to feel the urge to stand up to peoples shocking comments, but I don't anymore. I don't want anyone to feel sad or upset at words I may say to them. I want to make my babies proud and develop a forgiving and loving soul. I truly believe that "when we know better we do better" and the is the quote on my photo for today. The beautiful lily in the photo was sent to me by a friend after the loss of our first baby. She was a shining light in a sea of unthoughtful comments that gave me hope that people really do the best the can.

October 03, 2012

Day 3: After loss self portrait

This is a hard day.  Reading and seeing so many of the other beautiful photos on the FB page for this October project has been overwhelming.  I thought I was much further on in the grieving process, or maybe this is a kind of grief where there is no getting over, its just getting on.

This photo isn't a self portrait as I'm tired of looking at my own image.  This is Buzz, my 12 yr old faithful border collie who has been by my side through both of our losses.  After we lost our first pregnancy, our baby boy Olly at 16 weeks we were devastated.  I didn't know you weren't safe after 12 weeks and I certainly didn't know after you have seen a scan of your babies face, arms, legs etc that it is called a miscarriage in our state up to 20 weeks.  The innocence disappeared.  Buzz meant so much to me as having no children he is all I have, he listened, he snuggled and always knew when I needed help.  He never judged me.  By this photo I think he grieved with me, the sadness in his face makes me sad too.  I am so glad we rescued him from the RSPCA and despite his violent beginning to life he has been a real blessing for us.

October 01, 2012

Day 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

I love this picture so much.  I look so very happy, and I was.  In this photo I was a little over 6 weeks pregnant with what was to be our Rainbow baby after losing our Son 5 months prior.  We were overjoyed.  My husband was all loving and protective again and I felt like a woman and successful wife instead of a failure.  I know I will treasure this photo for the rest of my life.  I actually took the photo as I wanted to make sure I documented everything in this pregnancy just in case.  Only a few hours before this photo was taken my body started showing signs that this pregnancy would not continue.  Sadly only 6 weeks later her little heart stopped beating and we lost our second angel :-(

Day one: Sunrise

The photo below was taken in our small country home town.  We actually live and work in a private town which is owned and operated by Benedictine Monks.  It is an interesting place!

Pregnancy & infant loss awareness month

It's hard the believe its October again already!  I cant believe it is over a year ago since we lost Olly and nearly 8 months since we lost Opal.  Life certainly does move fast.  I feel like I have been left standing still, motionless as time and everyone has moved on without me.  I know I am changed forever but I can't help feeling like I am stuck, moving forward represents way too much fear and looking back just breaks my heart.

I am going to take part in Carly Marie's Project Heal October photography project and post on my blog daily.  I'm not a daily kind of blogger as I can only write as when my heart compels me to do so.

Here is the link to the project which I'd encourage you to undertake no matter what stage of the grieving process you are at.  Some of the days listed I am dreading! It can be hard to face what you don't want to.