October 03, 2012

Day 3: After loss self portrait

This is a hard day.  Reading and seeing so many of the other beautiful photos on the FB page for this October project has been overwhelming.  I thought I was much further on in the grieving process, or maybe this is a kind of grief where there is no getting over, its just getting on.

This photo isn't a self portrait as I'm tired of looking at my own image.  This is Buzz, my 12 yr old faithful border collie who has been by my side through both of our losses.  After we lost our first pregnancy, our baby boy Olly at 16 weeks we were devastated.  I didn't know you weren't safe after 12 weeks and I certainly didn't know after you have seen a scan of your babies face, arms, legs etc that it is called a miscarriage in our state up to 20 weeks.  The innocence disappeared.  Buzz meant so much to me as having no children he is all I have, he listened, he snuggled and always knew when I needed help.  He never judged me.  By this photo I think he grieved with me, the sadness in his face makes me sad too.  I am so glad we rescued him from the RSPCA and despite his violent beginning to life he has been a real blessing for us.

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