May 31, 2013

Right where I am 2013: One year eight months and one year 3 months

This is my second year writing as part of Angie's - Right Where I am Project.  Writing a blog entry last year for this project brought me so much healing at the early stage of grief I was at.  This healing came from the wonderful women in this community who reached out to me with some of the kindest words I've ever had said about my babies.   To all of those women, I wish to say thank you.  It is very humbling to write from my little country town in Australia and have women from all over the world make contact with one another.

As time moves on I sometimes find words can have the biggest impact on your grief.  I feel a wonderful closeness to both Olly & Opal and feel they are with me all the time, but does anyone else?.  Most family and friends are too scared to acknowledge their presence in anyway in our lives.  This makes me sad.  It is the words that people do not say that hurt the most.  No one says their names.

About six weeks ago we lost my cousin who had been battling ovarian cancer for nearly three years.  She was a year older than me and had two beautiful children aged four & five, a boy and a girl.  It wasn't until before her death that I really understood at least one reason why God hadn't let our babies live on earth. I had spoken to my cousin about our babies in heaven, and I asked her to be a mother to Olly & Opal in heaven, until she is reunited with her own children one day.  I think it gave us both a great amount of hope and peace.

I think as we move forward in the grief process, and really want to learn to feel joy again instead of sadness it is so important to find some stillness in our world and to really work on ourselves.  I have started seeing a professional therapist and I already after a few visits feel a lot of weight lifting off my shoulders.  This may not work for everyone but I think sometimes we have to stop and ask for help.  It is bloody exhausting doing it all on your own.  Grief is exhausting.  Not to mention worrying about future infertility, or will I get pregnant again?  I have noticed how very tired my husband and I are and how much we need some rejuvenation.  You really do have to learn to walk very gently to allow the healing to come.  That is easy to say in a perfect world but as we know new challenges don't just stop so we can heal.

Another thing that happened in the last 12 months is I have been able to support my sister in law since she also lost a baby.  We had become a bit distant and really had never been all that close.  She had her first baby a few months after we lost Olly, and it was very painful to have someone so close have a living child.  I was glad throughout the last year I was able to apologise and be real with her and say it was just really hard for us to be able to celebrate her precious new baby with her.  I was devastated to hear she lost her second baby, I don't want anyone to go through it.  I was so glad I had the resources and knowledge to be able to support her and I am thankful that despite the pain  of our experiences it has brought us together.

I guess maybe that is where I am right now, Thankful.  Thankful to be healthy and alive, and thankful that our marriage has survived the ups and downs of the loss of our babies.  I am thankful I have been able to witness to others who have lost babies as well as offer hope to someone who was facing life without her children as she moved from her earthly life to one in heaven.

Candles burning in our home tonight
The little blue angel, given to me by my sis in law

May 13, 2013

The Day She Went Away

Today was the day you went away.  The day we said the most beautiful goodbye to your earthly life and wished you on your way to heaven.   My dear Cousin, who is one year older than me died last week aged 39 years, after the most courageous battle with ovarian Cancer.  It was never a surprise to me that you lived for so long, surpassing any Dr's predictions about how many days you had left.  Growing up side by side you were a stubborn bugger, a trait we both share :-).  Today has felt surreal, I said to my husband at your funeral that I never ever imagined as a child that I would see your brothers carrying your coffin from a church, followed by your parents so obviously deeply grieving.  It is an image I never thought I would see. 
It isn't the natural progression to loose your children.  I can only partially understand the depth of this progression.  Loosing our two babies has given us an insight into what it is like to live as a grieving parent.  I pray every day for your mum & dad that they will go gently and remember the amazing life you lived.  It was a joy to hug your wonderful husband today, to sense his fragility at the emotion of the day but also to embrace his amazing strength and faith in God.  Your life has been an amazing testimony to others about faith.  I cherished catching up with before you got really sick again.  Its been hard living across the other side of the Country but when we caught up it was like we had never ever been apart.  Thank you for being my cousin, friend, childhood playmate, teenage rival and mostly a woman with amazing grace and strength.  I hope my babies were waiting for you in heaven mate with open arms.  Keep them safe and loved until we see them, and until you are reunited with your own precious children.  I am so glad on reflection my babies left this world early so they could be there waiting for you.
I love you Jules.  Glitter Gang forever xoxox.
The Amazing song played at your funeral below:

"Even If" Kutless