May 31, 2013

Right where I am 2013: One year eight months and one year 3 months

This is my second year writing as part of Angie's - Right Where I am Project.  Writing a blog entry last year for this project brought me so much healing at the early stage of grief I was at.  This healing came from the wonderful women in this community who reached out to me with some of the kindest words I've ever had said about my babies.   To all of those women, I wish to say thank you.  It is very humbling to write from my little country town in Australia and have women from all over the world make contact with one another.

As time moves on I sometimes find words can have the biggest impact on your grief.  I feel a wonderful closeness to both Olly & Opal and feel they are with me all the time, but does anyone else?.  Most family and friends are too scared to acknowledge their presence in anyway in our lives.  This makes me sad.  It is the words that people do not say that hurt the most.  No one says their names.

About six weeks ago we lost my cousin who had been battling ovarian cancer for nearly three years.  She was a year older than me and had two beautiful children aged four & five, a boy and a girl.  It wasn't until before her death that I really understood at least one reason why God hadn't let our babies live on earth. I had spoken to my cousin about our babies in heaven, and I asked her to be a mother to Olly & Opal in heaven, until she is reunited with her own children one day.  I think it gave us both a great amount of hope and peace.

I think as we move forward in the grief process, and really want to learn to feel joy again instead of sadness it is so important to find some stillness in our world and to really work on ourselves.  I have started seeing a professional therapist and I already after a few visits feel a lot of weight lifting off my shoulders.  This may not work for everyone but I think sometimes we have to stop and ask for help.  It is bloody exhausting doing it all on your own.  Grief is exhausting.  Not to mention worrying about future infertility, or will I get pregnant again?  I have noticed how very tired my husband and I are and how much we need some rejuvenation.  You really do have to learn to walk very gently to allow the healing to come.  That is easy to say in a perfect world but as we know new challenges don't just stop so we can heal.

Another thing that happened in the last 12 months is I have been able to support my sister in law since she also lost a baby.  We had become a bit distant and really had never been all that close.  She had her first baby a few months after we lost Olly, and it was very painful to have someone so close have a living child.  I was glad throughout the last year I was able to apologise and be real with her and say it was just really hard for us to be able to celebrate her precious new baby with her.  I was devastated to hear she lost her second baby, I don't want anyone to go through it.  I was so glad I had the resources and knowledge to be able to support her and I am thankful that despite the pain  of our experiences it has brought us together.

I guess maybe that is where I am right now, Thankful.  Thankful to be healthy and alive, and thankful that our marriage has survived the ups and downs of the loss of our babies.  I am thankful I have been able to witness to others who have lost babies as well as offer hope to someone who was facing life without her children as she moved from her earthly life to one in heaven.

Candles burning in our home tonight
The little blue angel, given to me by my sis in law


  1. I understand the need for stillness. Even now, I find I need that come December (though it becomes harder and harder to find it).

    Remembering Olly and Opal with you today. My sympathy on the loss of your cousin. My sister-in-law died a few months after my son, and I remember thinking that she'd hold my baby.

  2. I'm glad that you feel Olly and Opal close to you and I'm sorry that others do not acknowledge them, do not say their names.

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your cousin, I hope that she is now with your little ones, looking after them. How terribly sad that your sister in law lost her second baby, I am glad that you were able to support her. I think that it can be very comforting simply to be with somebody who has gone through a similar experience in the early days. The little blue angel is beautiful.

  3. I wish that none of us had to live in a world without our child/children. Sending hope and hugs to you, Olly and Opal.