August 17, 2013

Graveside visit, goodbye, I love you

Today I was finally able to visit my cousins grave.  It has been playing on my mind for a few weeks that I should venture into the large Country cemetery and try and find where she was buried just a little over three months ago.  After seeing her parents during this week it reminded me yet again to be brave, take a deep breath and head to visit her on my own.   It was a cold and wet winter day today but as the sun came out and I had gone for a drive on my own I let instinct take control and headed to her graveside for the first time.  I still feel I haven't been able to grieve or truly say goodbye.  I think after pregnancy loss you sometimes feel so depleted you don't have the strength to grieve for anyone else.  It sounds awful but that is how I have felt.  I cant stand the thought nor want to imagine my life without my cousin being alive.  I cant make sense of a young vibrant beautiful women, wife and mom being taken so early from earth.  Upon arriving at the cemetery, I felt so confused and did not know where to start looking for her small grave marker.  Through the sea of headstones I began to wander, tears streaming down my face, sobbing uncontrollably.  Where was she?.  I spoke softly to myself, please find me, lead me to you.   I was lead to a new section of the cemetery and I knew this was where she must be.  I found her.  Her small plaque sitting on a concrete slab with a pot of dying flowers.  Dying flowers? really for such a young vibrant person.  Where was all the love?  I felt sad such a fresh grave already looked so tired and alone. I cleaned up her graveside as much as I could, I sat down beside her in the muddy ground and cried and spoke to her all the words I wanted to say.  It was beautiful to spend that time there and very healing. 
I will head back this week with some ideas to decorate her graveside to reflect her vibrancy she had in life.  I said goodbye as some other people arrived near her area and I wanted to give them their personal space.  Now the amazing thing happened, even more amazing than spending time at the graveside of someone you truly loved.  I took a few step across the driveway and saw a beautiful reflective garden.  As I walked through the rosemary filled garden I began to discover little plaques and some words.  They read "For the Precious souls of our babies".  I felt so happy and sad at the same time.  I have finally found it, a place where I could visit to reflect on our babies, as we have no graves for them.  It was so special to reflect on all the babies gone too soon..  I took a little piece of rosemary which I will place in a small glass vial and add to our memorial place for our babies in our home.   It was a very blessed day.

Precious Souls Memorial, Willaston SA. Photo from Gawler Baptist Church