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March 18, 2014

'Mother Heart Acceptance'

I have been following the beautiful affirmations created by CarlyMarie at Project Heal and I have been blown away with how amazing they have been.   The 'Mother Heart Acceptance' she has created recently is astoundingly healing and I will include a link below this entry.  When I first stumbled upon Carly Marie's work over 3 years ago I was in such a  dark and sad place.  I felt so alone, I didn't understand this pregnancy loss experience.  Stumbling across her blog, which led to discovering the online baby loss community I began to not feel so overwhelmed.  I currently work in Health promotion and there is nothing in any brochures that talks about baby loss.  There are lots of 'becoming a mother' type literature but little on pregnancy loss.  I still can not believe that I walked out of my Obstetrician office not once but twice without anything.  I can not imagine that you can send someone away after two second trimester miscarriages without considering perhaps having an inhouse small brochure which could say "Where to find help when pregnancy doesn't go as planned".  All I had to refer to prior to discovering this wonderful online community, was a heap of hospital brochures talking about the wonders of pregnancy etc which I had been given at my first appointment.

The contrast between congratulations and commiserations in regard to pregnancy is a massive one, and one that I find so difficult to comprehend.  I watched a movie on my day off today where the announcement of a pregnancy was celebrated, with comments like: "You'll be a wonderful mummy", "How exciting to be a parent", "You will love being a mummy".  It seems in the media too, as soon as a pregnancy is announced you are a Mummy/Mum/Mother.  But in contrast when you lose a baby, especially before 20 weeks you very quickly become NOT a Mummy/Mum/Mother.   I know people don't know what to say when you lose a baby but I do wish that they would value you more as a mother or try to understand that even though you do not hold a baby in your arms you grieve as a mother.

Having recently started a new job where everyone else there is female, I have lost count of the  "Do you have kids?" question.  By the second week it was beginning to wear very thin.  I had a good cry one night when I got home from work and talked it over with my husband.  I decided to not hide in our default of shame but rather be proud and happy to speak up about my babies.  The responses of others to talking about baby loss are usually like you have asked someone to eat something poisonous, which I guess to a lot of people it is.  They could never imagine going through such a thing and they certainly struggle to value you or even see you as a mother.  I said to a colleague that in my heart I know I'm a mother and that is all that matters, to which she went very quiet.  It's okay though I have never wanted children to display as an accomplishment or owned possession.  I have only every wanted a child to express my deep love I have for my husband and for us to be able to share our skills, knowledge and love whilst raising another human being.  I would be more than happy to adopt a child of any age into our home, I have no dreams of holding a baby or having to raise a child from birth.  I would feel blessed if my husband and I are able to share our lives with our child of any description.

So back to a Mother Heart Acceptance affirmation, I feel this is so crucial to use in the healing process of infertility and not being able to have a baby.  I hope if you come across this it speaks to you also.

Image Source:Carly Marie, Project Heal

Carly Marie Affirmations